Remember that moment when you realized your grown kids weren’t really talking to you anymore? Not the surface stuff about work or weekend plans, but the real things. The struggles, the doubts, the relationship problems they used to bring to you.

I’ve been there. A few years ago, I noticed my relationship with someone close had shifted. They’d gone from sharing everything to giving me the highlight reel. It took some painful self-reflection to realize I’d been responding to their problems in ways that made them pull back.

As someone whose mother is a guidance counselor, you’d think I’d know better. But even with all those psychology articles she sends me, I had to learn the hard way that how we respond to our adult children’s problems can either invite deeper connection or slowly close that door.

If your adult children have stopped confiding in you, they’ve probably noticed these patterns in your responses.

1) You immediately jump to solutions

“Have you tried…” might be the most relationship-damaging phrase when someone’s sharing their problems with you.

I learned this lesson in my own relationships when partners started keeping things from me. My tendency to analyze everything meant I’d hear about a problem and immediately launch into fix-it mode.

What I thought was being helpful was actually exhausting for people who just wanted to be heard.

Your adult children have likely developed their own problem-solving skills. When they come to you with an issue, they’re usually not looking for you to swoop in with solutions. They want understanding, validation, maybe just someone to witness their struggle.

Think about it: When was the last time someone immediately telling you what to do made you feel better about a problem?

2) You make it about yourself

This one stings to recognize in ourselves, but it’s incredibly common. Your child mentions struggling with their boss, and suddenly you’re talking about that horrible manager you had in 1987.

They bring up relationship troubles, and you launch into stories about your dating life.

Sometimes we do this to relate, to show we understand. But what it often communicates is that we’re more interested in our own experiences than truly hearing theirs.

I catch myself doing this sometimes during my Sunday calls with my mother. She’ll mention something challenging at school, and I’ll realize ten minutes later I’ve hijacked the conversation with my own work stories.

3) You dismiss their feelings with toxic positivity

“At least you have a job!” “You should be grateful for what you have!” “Look on the bright side!”

While staying positive has its place, constantly pushing your children to see the silver lining can make them feel like their genuine struggles aren’t valid. Nobody wants to hear how they should be grateful when they’re genuinely hurting.

A friend once told me they stopped sharing work frustrations with their parent because every complaint was met with “Well, at least you’re employed!” True? Yes. Helpful? Not at all.

4) You bring up their past mistakes

Nothing shuts down communication faster than hearing “Well, this is just like when you…” followed by a greatest hits compilation of their previous poor decisions.

Your adult child knows they’ve made mistakes. They were there. Bringing up their past failures when they’re trying to share current struggles tells them you’re keeping score, not offering support.

Trust is fragile. Every time you weaponize their history against them, you’re teaching them that vulnerability with you isn’t safe.

5) You minimize their problems

“That’s nothing compared to what I went through.” “You think that’s bad? Wait until you have real problems.”

When parents who lived through genuinely difficult times minimize their children’s struggles, they often think they’re providing perspective. What they’re actually doing is invalidating their child’s experience.

Your child’s problems might seem smaller than yours were at their age. Maybe they are. But pain is relative, and dismissing their struggles won’t make them disappear. It’ll just make them stop sharing.

6) You get too emotionally invested

Have you ever shared a problem with someone, only to have them become more upset about it than you were? It’s exhausting.

When your adult children share their problems and you spiral into anxiety, anger, or distress on their behalf, you’re making their problem about your emotional response. Now instead of dealing with their issue, they have to manage your feelings too.

I’ve had to work on this myself. That analytical tendency that makes me good at understanding trends and patterns? It also means I can spiral into worst-case scenarios when someone I care about faces a challenge.

7) You judge their choices or lifestyle

Maybe you don’t approve of their partner, their career path, or how they’re raising their kids. When every problem they share becomes an opportunity for you to express that disapproval, they’ll stop sharing.

“Well, if you hadn’t moved so far away…” “This wouldn’t happen if you went to church…” “I told you that job was a mistake…”

These responses teach your children that your love and support come with conditions. That being heard requires defending their life choices first.

8) You break their confidence

Your child tells you something in confidence. Next thing they know, Aunt Susan is calling to offer advice about the exact situation they trusted you to keep private.

Or maybe you bring it up in front of their spouse, assuming it’s common knowledge. Perhaps you reference it months later in front of the whole family at Thanksgiving dinner.

Each breach of trust, no matter how small it seems to you, teaches them that you can’t be trusted with sensitive information. Eventually, they’ll stop taking that risk.

Final thoughts

Recognizing these patterns in ourselves isn’t comfortable. When I realized how my analytical nature was pushing people away, it forced me to completely reexamine how I showed up in relationships.

The good news? Once you see these patterns, you can change them. Start small. Next time your adult child shares something, resist the urge to fix, relate, or evaluate.

Just listen. Ask “Do you want advice or do you just need to vent?” Honor their answer.

Rebuilding trust takes time, but every conversation is an opportunity to show them you’re learning to respond differently. Your relationship with your adult children can deepen at any stage, if you’re willing to examine your own patterns first.